


Aquela saudade

by bitter_droid



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Anyways, Ex-Boyfriends, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Like, M/M, Minor Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Past Relationship(s), Pre-Relationship, REALLY MINOR, future boyfriends, i got carried away, this was supposed to be a oneshot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 21:06:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21875287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitter_droid/pseuds/bitter_droid
Summary: Richie managed to trick Stan, making him go to a party. Once there, he finds someone from his not so distant past. Someone who, unknowingly, forces him into facing one of his biggest regrets.
Relationships: Bill Denbrough & Stanley Uris, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Aquela saudade

**Author's Note:**

> So, as you must have seen in the tags, this is like, one huge mistake ?? It was supposed to be a small, very small oneshot but somehow I've actually managed to write a lot and, unbelievably, I even am kind of aware of where this is going. I'm pretty sure this gonna be a two-shot but who knows, I'm not good at following plans.
> 
> Just letting something clear: everyone is 18/19 years old in here. If you're against this ship/hater then I don't even know what are doing here, the tags are a good enough warning of what you're going to find here.
> 
> Anyways...
> 
> This isn't Beta'd so mistakes are to be expected (tho I did try to fix as many as possible)  
> Also, English is not my native language so, if you see something wrong, please warn me, I can't fix my mistakes if I don't know what/where they are.
> 
> Feel free to comment and/or leave kudos <3
> 
> Have a nice reading time~~

What the hell was he doing here?

It was all Richie’s fault as always. The boy decided it was an excellent idea to play Never Have I Ever with alcohol in the middle. “Just for fun”, he said. Right, as if Stan believed that. Still, he agreed because, why the fuck not, right? His parents were always on his back demanding him to “do better”, “speak better”, “be better”, “you’re already gay, try not to be useless at least”, so why not just let it go for one night, right? Besides, Eddie was here, he doesn’t usually do drinks and definitely wouldn’t let his crazy and annoying boyfriend and Stan do anything dumb while intoxicated.

So they did it. Played the stupid game and drunk, and drunk, and drunk. Eddie also gave some sips here and there, enough to get slightly tipsy – which basically means that he drunk like two to three glasses because he’s weak to alcohol.

So, it didn’t really come as a surprise when Richie (of course it was him) thought it was an amazing idea to go to a party – that he was invited last week when they were on college – that was happening at that exact moment. 

Late that night, when Stan was safely on his bed, he would finally notice how clever the four-eyed boy was to have tricked him just right, and would swear to never underestimate his best friend again. At this point, he should know better than anyone that Richie wasn’t stupid. 

What was a surprise, was that not only did an almost completely drunk Stan accepted going to a freaking party in God knows where, but a tipsy Eddie also did. Then, also late that night, he would notice that the Eddie was very aware of Richie’s plan and decided that he would start to be more cautious towards the shorty, he was getting awfully good at lying. Richie’s influence for sure.

Either way, here he was. On a godforsaken party full of stinking teenagers and even some adults. Richie and Eddie already missing doing whatever those two did when they were alone. Stan was slightly more sober thanks to the cold air he breathed while coming here, so his everyday awkwardness was slowly but surely coming back to make him feel like a fish out of water. He totally doesn’t belong in these environments.

Well, _fuck it_.

He was already here, wasn’t he? _May as well do something about it_. 

And he did. 

Stan drunk about enough till he lost his shyness and overall self-consciousness, but not enough to completely lose his mind. He may be lacking some common sense for not just going home but he was still sufficiently smart to not be that carelessly.

When he felt the confidence growing up and the low self-esteem becoming almost non-existent, he got on the dance floor. And danced like his ass was on fire (and in the next morning, Richie would make sure to remember him of this when he showed a video of Stan sensually moving his hips without giving a single fuck. Stan would blush furiously from head to toe and then demand that that four-eyed asshole _delete it or he would regret it_ ).

You may be asking, “how can someone apparently so uncomfortable on their own skin can know how to dance?”. Well, thank Richie for that. The number of times Stan had to go to parties because of him were countless. Besides, Stan always got awfully loose and slightly more daring when he was intoxicated.

Eventually, Stan felt a presence close to his back. It didn’t touch him which actually made him more receptive to whoever it was – _God, let it be a man, I’m very gay and not in the mood to let a girl down_. He turned to face the person behind him. It was a man alright.

 _Of freaking course I wouldn’t be that lucky_.

It was his ex, Bill fucking Denbrough.

Stan turned around once again and ignored him. He kept dancing without looking at him at all, pretending not to care and trying to look like he was very fine without him, thank you so much. 

He could still feel Bill behind, never touching, never invading his space (God knows how, that place was pretty crowded after all), and never making him uncomfortable. And that just made Stan angrier. Why was he so nice? Why was he so gentle, and sweet, and caring, and so, so compassionate?

 _Gosh, I hate him_.

 _More than that, I hate myself_.

Stan really lost the mood to keep dancing as more and more old memories and sadness and bad thoughts kept coming at him. He got out of the dance floor. Bill’s eyes following him until they couldn’t see the curly boy anymore and Stan knew the ex-stuttering boy would follow him shortly after. He always used to.

Stan walked out through the front door and decide to give a walk around the block. The cool air outside gave him a little more control over his thoughts and body. He’d send a message to both his friends so they wouldn’t worry (also in the case anything happens, he was walking alone in the middle of the fucking night so of course he would take precaution). It didn’t take long until he heard steps behind him and, for a small second, he’d frozen and felt his heart falling to his feet. But soon after he’d heard the voice.

“You shouldn’t walk alone in the middle of the night, Stan, you know better than that.” Bill’s voice was gentle despite his warning words, and Stanley could feel his heart breaking a little more.

“I’m not alone, am I?” Stan tried to keep the hurt out of his voice. He didn’t know if he’d made it. He involuntarily slowed his steps, letting his company reach him. Not that Bill needed it, his long legs could do it for him, he was almost Richie’s height and that’s saying something.

“No, you’re not,” he answered. A small smile on his face, which Stan didn’t have the guts to look at. “How are you? It’s been a long time since we last talked to each other.”

Stan considered lying. Unfortunately, there’s still too much alcohol clouding his mind.

“I feel like horseshit,” he said simply. “What about you, though?”

Bill seemed to hesitate a little before he shrugged. 

“Pretty much the same, I guess,” Denbrough answered while joining his hands together behind his head. He kept talking, “You were pretty daring back there on the dance floor. I don’t think I remember ever seeing you like that when we were together.”

Stan could hear the question on his voice. He felt his face warm slightly.

“I was upset and Richie got me drunk. The result of that is what you’ve just seen,” Stan said, not letting the embarrassment show on his face and words, even though the self-consciousness was eating at him from inside out now.

It was silence after that. Stan, who was leading their step, was purposefully walking slow. He wanted to sort out his thoughts, that is, as much as he could given that he was pretty drunk. Bill kept a respectful distance from the curly, not too close nor too far, but Stan could feel him looking now and then. He sighed.

“Why’re you here?” he asked tiredly. “We broke up, didn’t we? Shouldn’t you be with your friends or something?”

Bill stopped walking, prompting Stan to do the same.

“You know why I’m here. Also, I’m pretty sure _you’re_ the one who broke up with me,” Bill said, unknowingly rubbing salt in the wound. He passed his hand from his face up to his hair, messing them. “This wasn’t how I wanted it to go but, since we’re already here then, fuck it. Why _did_ ‘we’ broke up, Stan?”

_Fuck, I’m not even close to being sober enough for this._

“Bill, I’m not sober enough for this,” he warned. “If you are really going to do this then, please, wait for when I’m not this vulnerable.”

Bill sighed.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s just...” he paused, looking as if he was searching the right words. After a long time without finding any, he seemed to give up. “I just really miss you. So much. I don’t think I can keep this going, y’know? I just want to understand, Stan... what did I do wrong?”

Stan felt like his heart fell to his feet and someone accidentally stepped on it. Bill’s eyes were watering, his voice failed at the end and he just seemed so tiny and vulnerable. And that was just so wrong. Bill’s supposed to always look as if nothing could ever stop him, as if he was invincible. Because he is. There shouldn’t be anything that could ever make him look that broken, because Bill is an unstoppable force of nature. Resilient as the earth, powerful as the fire, indomitable as the water, free as the wind.

Bill should never look as if he was anything less than that.

“Nothing!” Stan said that with so much strength that he got embarrassed. He didn’t stop, though. He couldn’t. “You were the best thing I’ve ever had in my life, Bill. There wasn’t anyone that could make me feel as safe and comfortable like you did. You’ve always respected me and my boundaries, you’ve never complained about them or made fun of them and you’ve always, always took such good care of me. I’ve never felt uncomfortable giving myself to you because you were always so sweet and never made me feel embarrassed. Gosh, I just...”

He stopped.

Bill took some steps closer, but, as always, not enough to make him feel trapped. Stan couldn’t look at him.

“You just...?” he softly prompted.

“I just...” Stan couldn’t stop the tears welling up in his eyes. His cheeks and ears burned and his breath was starting to come out in gasps. The pain of regret so strong it was almost physical. “I love you so much, I... I can’t. You were so important to me and I threw you away, and I’m so sorry, Bill! I’m so fucking sorry.”

Stan’s head was lowered so he couldn’t see Bill’s expression. He thought it was better this way. He didn’t want him to see the sorry state he was in. 

“Stan,” Bill gently called. “Can I give you a hug?”

Stan nodded, still trying to control his tears.

Bill’s arms were around him in a second. His smell surrounded Stan, making him feel more comfortable than he ever was those last five months that they were separated. The only thing he missed more than this hug was the person giving it.

Stan lay down his head on Bill’s shoulder and put his hands around his back. Bill eventually put his own head on top of Stan’s, his arms securely around the boy.

They stayed there for who knows how long, but none of them made any move to stop the hug. Neither wanted to end it. Unfortunately, Stan’s phone started vibrating on his pocket.

 _I’m going to murder whoever is on the other side of this call_.

He got out of the hug but made no move to put a distance between them both. Bill didn’t even bother taking his right arm from around Stan, keeping it firmly on his back as if it was the only thing anchoring them both. Stan silently thanked him for that.

It was Trashmouth.

 _Yeah, I’m definitely murdering him. It’ll be easy even_.

“Yes?” Stan asked.

“Dude, where the fuck are you?” Richie asked. He sounded impatient.

“I’ve sent you a message saying I was going for a walk,” he answered, slightly on defensive.

“Yeah, that was like, twenty minutes ago. A little too long for a normal walk, if you asked me,” he said. Stan could hear the music on the background, though it was much more toned down so he was probably on the outside.

“And what would you know about walks?” Stan rolled his eyes, and even though Richie couldn’t see it, he was sure he felt it through the call.

“Eds’ mom taught me a lot about it, actually,” Stan heard a thump. Eddie was definitely hitting him.

“I’m already coming back, so don’t worry.” He looked at Bill while saying this. Bill nodded at him.

“Alright then. Try not to be kidnapped by a cannibal murdering clown on the way, will ya? It would be really troublesome having to save your pretty face from being eaten,” Richie said trying to be funny. Stan rolled his eyes. He knew the four-eyed boy was just worried.

“I’ll make sure to call you if I see Peniswise, The Dancing Clown, don’t worry,” Stan answered dryly, hanging up without waiting for an answer. He hears Bill laughing and look at him.

“Still with the dry humor, I see,” he said. A nice smile on his face.

Stan shrugged. He gave his ex-boyfriend the small smile that he only used to give to him. Bill put his left hand on Stan’s face.

“I’ve missed seeing this,” he gestured to the smile. Stan rolled his eyes at the sappiness. _Not like I can say much, though. I’m just like him_.

“We should probably talk about this,” Stan said with some difficulty. He didn’t know if he was ready.

They started walking back to the party. Only one more turn and they would already be on the same street.

“How about this?” Bill started. “Next morning, when we wake up, we decide if we do want or not to talk about it. We’ll be sober and also have some time to think it through. I don’t want any of us to make choices now and regret it later.”

Stan nodded.

“It’s good enough for me,” he answered. “We should probably put a note or something on our phones in case we forget.”

“Good idea.” 

They took their phones out and put alarms while still walking. When both were finished, they simply put them away and continued silently. Stan decided to not give a fuck and took Bill’s hand with his own. They walked the rest of the path like that.

**Author's Note:**

> So, a little explanation about the title:
> 
> The word "Saudade" is a Portuguese word (my native language XD) that doesn't have an English equivalent. According to a Portuguese scholar, Aubrey Bell, Saudade "is a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present". I thought her description is very accurate of what this word means, despite not meaning only that, as "Saudade" can also mean something of a melancholic longing and yearning for something or someone. Like, missing a brother or a fictional character or even a shirt that you really liked, that sad and melancholic feeling could be called Saudade.
> 
> "Aquela saudade" could be translated as "That Longing"
> 
> Believe it or not, I've taken inspiration from the song "DJ Got Us Falling In Love" by Usher, so this was supposed to be like a lot more sensual and a lot less sad, but, oh well..
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


End file.
